The Writing Diva’s Guide to Coping With the Loss of a Parent

My friend E joined a club that is a sad one to join – those who have lost a parent.

Her mother, whom I called “Mrs. C,” passed away on November 18 from an infection following surgery to repair a torn ligament in her knee. She was 63.

Mr. and Mrs. C had been married 40 years and raised five children – two daughters, three sons. E is the oldest. Her sister Em is the youngest. I visited E at her parents’ house yesterday, and she and her siblings were struggling with the loss after Mrs. C’s funeral on November 28.

“It’s like my life has gone topsy turvy,” she said over dinner.

Having lost my mother 11 years ago, I completely understand. I told her that one doesn’t get over the loss of a parent. One learns to live with it.

The difference between my loss and theirs is that, other than her torn knee ligament, Mrs. C was very healthy. Last year she gave a party for her retirement and was joking, laughing, being the perfect hostess. Her favorite sayings included “Did you eat?” “Here, eat this.” She tended to the needs of her family and friends.

Her family, friends, and I had envisioned Mrs. C living into her late 80s or 90s. She was very active. She had owned her own business and spearheaded a fundraising drive to build a church in the province of Ilolio in the Philippines.

After conferring with my siblings, here are some suggestions for E and her family to get through these trying times.

Take it one day at a time.
Lean on each other. Share memories of your mother. Remember, it’s OK to laugh. (Hey, Mrs. C was a funny lady.) Be with family and friends.

If you get angry and need to let it out physically, walk, run, play tennis, swim, hit a punching bag, give a pillow a beatdown. Just let it out.

If you feel depressed, seek counseling. If the counselor prescribes antidepressants, consider taking them. From personal experience, they got me going again.

There are plenty of books on losing a parent. (E, I’m sending you one, so you don’t have to buy one if you don’t have to.)

Take up a cause that was dear to your mother. Since Mrs. C was helping raise money for the church in the village of Passi, take up her cross and carry it. Also, let people know where they can send their contributions in your mother’s memory.

Finally, be available, physically and emotionally, for your father, Mr. C. He lost the love of his life. Do what you can to give him comfort and a sense of purpose.

That’s all I can think of right now. Your mother will always be a part of you. You may channel her mannerisms, her courage, her work ethic, her love of music. And you can take comfort in those things until she sees you again.

Writing Diva