Throwing in the Towel

This is an open letter to my friends and family and readers of this blog about a middle-aged single woman living in Vacaville, California.


I'm throwing in the towel. I have decided not to marry.


As some of you may know, I have not had a "significant other" in a decade. I've had friends try to fix me up with single men. I've attended so many singles function I've lost count. I recently had an account with eHarmony, only to have six of my matches get the boot from the on-line dating service for unknown reasons (probably because they're on-line dating scammers) and countless other matches reject me for "other" reasons.

It doesn't mean that I won't attend events to meet other single people or that I would close to door to dating. But frankly I don't think I will meet Mr. Right and I don't want to be with a Mr. Right Now. I've made foolish mistakes in seeking a life partner, and I'm getting tired of doing that.

I'm tired of spending money on on-line dating services. Also, although I've been advised to have my friends introduce me to someone, most of my friends don't know the type of man I want.

Before writing this entry, I read an obituary in the Los Angeles Times about Marie Barbare Edwards, a psychologist who helped pioneer a "singles pride" movement in the 1970s through her book The Challenge of Being Single. She died December 31 two days shy of her 90th birthday. Edwards declared that not everyone is destined to march through life as half of a "Noah's Ark twosome." Maybe I'm not, either.

So, to any of you who asks, "Why aren't you married?" kindly back off. If I meet someone, fine. If not, that's fine, too. My life is carrot cake. Frosting (or a mate) is optional.

Writing Diva

Dumped (Though I Deserved It)

The eHarmony suitor who only two weeks ago wrote to me "I want you, only you" is gone.

The gent closed his profile to me yesterday. And I don't blame him.

I think it was the last e-mail I wrote to him. I said that I had attended a luau hosted by a local singles group and had a good time. Then I asked him where he went to school. (I added that I was a UC Davis graduate.)

I asked him that because the e-mails I received from him were so poorly written that at times I couldn't understand what he was saying. One of my must-haves is someone who is as smart, if not smarter than, I am. I know it's elitist. But physical attraction is a small part of a relationship. If I can't discuss things on an intellectual level, that's half the relationship down the tubes.

I was also irritated by his emotional neediness. I realize that some people may call it affection or devotion. But to write every other day when I haven't written anything just to find out if I'm OK was starting to cramp my style.

To be honest, when I saw his closed message and his reason stated "other," I felt a bit stung. It was mostly my pride that was hurt. But later I realized that I deserved it because, at least in my mind, I treated him shabbily.

He deserves better, after having lost his wife and being alone for five years. I'm sure there's a wonderful woman out there for the gent. I know I'm just not that woman.

Be happy, K.

Writing Diva

This Will Be (an Experiment)

I have taken the plunge, sort of. I signed up for a three-month subscription to eHarmony, the (mostly Christian) Web site for singles trying to find their soul mate.

I have plunked down $117 for the privilege of being matched according to my likes, dislikes, personality traits, distance, and so forth. So far, I've been matched with 10 prospects. Five of them have turned me down because of distance, dating outside eHarmony, or "other," which really annoys me.

I have tried eHarmony before, in 2004. I kept getting turned down by prospects for one reason or another. Frustrated, I quit after three months.

But I wasn't happy about my dating situation. So, I decided to at least give eHarmony a try.

I'm not a big fan of dating Web sites. I tried Match.com and met this one guy who lives in Oakland. He was a year or two younger than I and described himself as a self-employed entrepreneur who was selling his home in the North Natomas area of Sacramento to move to the Bay Area to meet more singles. We arranged to meet at the Barnes and Noble bookstore in the Jack London Square area of Oakland. (I was working in San Francisco at the time.)

He described himself as 5'7". When we met, I noticed I could see over his Jheri-curled head. I'm 5'5". This was not a good omen.

The back of his car was stuffed with all sorts of clothes and stuff, as if he were either moving or living out of his car. He wore a sweat suit and an undershirt. For our first meeting! For crying out loud!

We had coffee at the Starbucks inside the Barnes and Noble. He was looking to date me, but I said that I don't know where I would be in a year because (at the time) I was looking for another job. (It was true. I was looking for another job. I ended up working in Sacramento.) When I mentioned that I had a cat, he said, "A kee-at? If we're dating, we'll have to do something about that." Like what? Give Tuff-Punk away? I don't think so! That turned me off immediately.

Shortly after our meeting, I canceled my subscription with Match.com. I was so discouraged by the lack of choices.

As for my signing up with eHarmony, it's an experiment, nothing more. I'm still getting out and doing things, taking classes, and enjoying my hobbies. I just want to see what happens. I do not expect to hear Natalie Cole's "This Will Be" while I'm doing this. I'm just seeing what (or who) is out there.

Writing Diva